There are certain laws in place that don’t change such as gravity. There are others that are fairly predictable such as reaping & sowing, and regardless of how you drop a slice of bread, it always lands butter-side-down!
Another seemingly predictable law that is set in motion in judgment. We as humans are always judging. We measure others up one side and down the other. How nice it would be to become more like my dog who is completely non-judgmental and loves me unconditionally as a result.
It is amazing how often we have done something or have opted not to do something based on what we “think” others would say or think about our choice. This prevents us from being free to live authentically. How can we best choose where we believe God may be leading if we first have to check in with the judgment panel?
Now, I’m not saying we don’t need accountability and support in our lives. These are extremely important. People who know us well enough to be a source of support and accountability for us do so based on a certain level of permission we have given them to speak into our lives. They have listened to our hearts and shared in our joys and sorrows. They are in place because they have earned what I like to call “relational” capital and we seek the investment they make in our lives. We are better because of the check and balance system these folks share with us.
The point I am making is that there are some who really do not have our best interest at heart, but are self-appointed judges to determine and verbalize to us what we need to be doing or not doing or perhaps, doing differently. A good indicator of these relationships is that with these people, we basically feel like we have to be defensive to protect our treasures, i.e. our thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams around them because they “feel” they have the right to have a “say” in the choices we make.
Whether or not we have verbally given permission for this to happen in our lives, we are training them that this is acceptable behavior when we are not pro-active to 1) communicate that we are able to make our choices and will ask for help when we need it, and 2) we find ourselves paralyzed to move forward based on what we “think” they may “think” we should or should not do.
This limits our ability to live freely and often to achieve greater things in life. If someone cares and respects us in a way that benefits us, they are able to put their pre-judgments aside and truly listen with an intent to help us discern what would be best for us in the way of creating the life we desire to have. When we are making choices that align with our overall direction in life, they can cheerlead and urge us on. When we are considering a choice that is not in alignment, they have the courage and the permission to remind us of our hopes and desires and to question us on where we are in the journey.
The key difference is that someone who believes in us and respects our choices and our right to make them, will ASK questions as opposed to TELL us what they think. The “telling” part or the asking of “Why” often puts us on opposite ends and we may feel backed in a corner and then become defensive which can lead us to making a bad choice just to “prove” that we can do whatever we want. Nobody wins in this cycle.
I believe God has ignited a candle of passion within each of us to pro-actively seek the purpose(s) He has for us. We will experience the greatest peace and contentment when we are actively pursuing the path that lets us live out the purposes that we are passionate about. It is also a journey of continual learning and growth. We are all designed for greatness in the things that matter most in our lives. We achieve that best by aligning our will with God’s, having wise counsel and finding our gifting and passion and working and living within these arenas.
The best analogy I can have for going against our passion and trying to do life or work a job for some other reason, such as money, prestige etc. is that of certain hair types. (I was in the hair industry for many years!) Often people with curly hair spend countless money and time trying to straighten and smooth down their hair. While folks with fine, straight hair are trying to color, perm and add volume to their hair, also at a great cost of both money and frustration. I have often recommended that they work “with” what they have and not against it.
In order to get over believing that what other people think about us is so important, it is wise to remember that their opinions of us are really none of our business. What difference does it make? The only difference it can make is if we choose to allow it to make a difference. The freedom to choose is ours. The power to choose can be ours or we can pass that off if we listen too long to the voices of what others “think”.
What is the big fear? More than likely it is a fear of failure. But in reality, what’s the big deal if something doesn’t work the way we had hoped? We can choose to simply try again, the next time we will have more experience. We never truly “fail” unless we quit trying to find a way to get to an outcome that we can be satisfied with.
The best way to face the fear of what others think and get through to living the life we choose is simply to visualize the worst case scenario and ask ourselves what would we do if this or that happens? We can play it out in our mind (or on paper) and often begin to see things that may not have been as clear when our idea was merely a dream.
My grandmother always said, “when people (the ones who judge) are talking about ‘you’ they’re leaving someone else alone”. Meaning that the one thing that is certain is that as sure as people will always be talking, they will always be judging. This is something we have no power to change.
But we do have the power to choose. So, what works for you?
Do you want to live in the freedom you have to create a life you will love and be passionate about? Or are you satisfied to let other people decide what you can or cannot accomplish?
The choice, either way, is yours!
Sheri Geyer is a Christian Life Coach, Writer, Realtor, Wife & Mom.